ABC is happy to introduce Sebastion Harris as a new contributor here. Sebastion is a global dating expert who has lived in Asia for many years. Here is his first article for ABC.
Interracial dating is never easy.
I’m in an interracial relationship with the woman of my dreams. She’s Asian and whenever I think back to our first date, I wonder why she agreed to meet me a second time.
I completely messed it up. Seriously, I did everything wrong that you can possibly do wrong. I must have made a really bad impression. And yet, I was lucky.
But you might not have the same luck as I had. The good news is that you don’t need it after you’ve read this article.
All I want for you is that you make such a good first impression on the next Asian woman you meet, that she’ll be the last woman you ever go on a date with. Yes, the right first impression can lead to a happy relationship, which can eventually lead to a fulfilling marriage.
And it all starts with overcoming your own insecurities…
- Take the Important First Step
There’s one thing you have to do before you can even think about dating an Asian woman. First, you have to believe that it is possible. This is absolutely vital.
I get a lot of emails from Black guys who want to know if they have a chance with Asian women and my answer is always the same. The answer to all these emails is “yes, a lot of Asian women are into black guys”. It’s the truth. There are a lot of Asian women who are attracted to black men.
The only reason why you believe that you have no chance with Asian women is because it’s not the most common relationship constellation.
In the same way that you can only expect someone to love you when you love yourself first, you can only expect an Asian woman to fall in love with you when you believe that being loved by her is possible.
You must believe in yourself. Maybe a video from one of my favorite Youtube channels with this happy Blasian couple and their beautiful kids can help you to realize that Asian and Black relationships are in fact possible.
- Talk to Her Like You Would Talk to any Other Woman
Please don’t do what I did on the first date with my beautiful Thai girlfriend. Don’t try to do any traditional Asian greeting. You will only make a fool out of yourself.
For some inexplicable reason, men believe that Asian women are impressed when you know everything about their culture and when you “act Asian”, whatever the hell that means.
Sorry, but that’s not true.
She has probably been on enough dates with weird guys who have a collection of kimonos at home. Just talk to her like you would talk to any other woman. That’s the best thing you can do.
- Avoid the Stereotypical Date
I am so glad that I didn’t make this mistake. I think my girlfriend would have been more than just disappointed if I had taken her to a Karaoke club on our first date.
Taking her on a stereotypical first date will only show her that you think in stereotypes. That’s never good.
It’s way better to take her on a completely normal date, or to take her on a date that reveals a bit more about your cultural background. This will give her the feeling that you want her to be a part of your life.
- Prove that You are a Man With Manners
Manners are extremely important in Asian societies. Depending on where the Asian woman you are dating was born, knowing about different manners can be quite useful. This Wikipedia article will help you with it.
I mean, good manners are always important, but they are even more important when you are dating an Asian woman. At least that’s what my girlfriend and all of her friends told me.
It’s embarrassing to admit it, but on the first date with my girlfriend, I touched her head when I told her how much I love her hair. You just have to look at the Wikipedia article to see that I shouldn’t have done that.
- Don’t Show Too Much Affection in Public
In case you are dating an Asian woman who has been born and raised in a Western country, you can go for the first kiss in a public environment. However, if she has been born and raised in a traditional Asian country, this would end your relationship before it has even started.
I get sick whenever I see expats in Asia who try to kiss their girlfriends in public. Sometimes the woman turns her head away. Sometimes she allows him to do it, even though you just have to look into her eyes to see what she really thinks.
You have to accept that some cultures are more open when it comes to showing affection in public than other cultures.
- Let Her Know that You are Interested in a Serious Relationship
What’s the number one fear that an Asian woman has no matter if she is dating a White guy or a Black guy?
She is afraid that she is just a fetish for you. She is scared that you only want her because you want to know how it is to date an Asian woman. Sorry for being so direct, but that’s the reality.
It’s your job to make sure that she understands that you are interested in a serious relationship. Tell her what you really want and take away her fear. She’ll be relieved that you are a man who is looking for something serious.
- Connect By Sharing Each Other’s Culture
Okay, this doesn’t work when you are an American and you are dating an Asian woman who was born in America. But in case you are dating a traditional Asian woman, this can leave an amazing first impression and it can lead to a strong connection.
What am I talking about?
I am talking about the art of connecting by sharing each other’s culture.
It sounds more complicated than it is. The idea is pretty simple. You share cultural insights and facts with each other that the other person (probably) never heard of. This automatically allows you to get to know each other on a deeper level.
- It’s Okay to Address the Elephant in the Room
She wants to know it and you want to know it too. Don’t be so shy about it.
Since she met you for the first time she wants to know one thing. She wants to know if you have ever been on a date with an Asian girl and if you are as nervous as she is.
And you want to know the same. Don’t lie to me. I know that you want to know if you are the first Black man she went on a date with.
It’s okay to address the elephant in the room.
Will it be weird to bring up this topic?
Yep, it can be a bit weird. She might blush and you might giggle. But that doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you address the one thing that both of you want to know.
Talking about it takes away a lot of tension and makes you and her more comfortable.
- Be Confident Enough to Ignore the Gossip
Will people stare at you? Will people talk about you behind your backs?
I wish I could tell you that they won’t. I wish I could say that everyone around you will be totally cool with the fact that two people from different races like each other. Unfortunately, humanity is still at a stage where this is not always the case.
No matter if you are Black, White, or Asian, as soon as you are dating outside your race, people will stare at you. It’s not nice, but it’s a fact. You have to learn to deal with it.
If you want to make a really good impression on the Asian woman you are dating, you have to give her the feeling that you don’t care about what other people think. That’s the kind of confidence that will make her fall for you.
- Leave the Impression that You are an Amazing Guy
At the end of the day, your goal is to leave the impression that you are an amazing human being. Your goal is not that she looks at you and thinks that you are an attractive black man.
No, the goal is that she looks at you and thinks that you are the most interesting human being she has ever been on a date with. That’s what you want to achieve.
You want her to see past her race and past your race. You want her to see a happy and fulfilled relationship that has nothing to do with race, color, or cultural background. When she looks at you like that, you have won her heart.
Sebastian Harris is a writer and international dating expert who fell in love with a wonderful Asian woman after an incredible journey around the world. Now he guides and inspires men who are not afraid to travel in order to meet the woman of their dreams.